Quick Note To The Democratic Party And The Hillary Clinton Campaign

Thursday, 25 Promise 2016

If you *really* want to piss off all the progressives and make them think more than twice about Lord Short Thumbs as a protest vote, by all means consider Tim Kaine or any other whitebread conservative Yellow Dog Democrat you can dredge and prop up next week in Philly*.

However, if you want to think outside of the box, and could get any of the following to consider running with Hillary as veep, it would be a lot better than Kaine / Vilsack:

John Hickenlooper
Charlie Crist
Barack Obama**
Sherrod Brown
Ken Salazar

I would also, as someone who finds the Democrats waaaay not liberal enough, suggest someone like Michael Moore, if you could convince him, to run. He would be perfect to counter Trumpian shenanigans…

But please please please don’t pick some conservative wannabe Republicant to be your running mate and it would be nice if at least one of the major political parties stopped punching down at the dirty hippies for a change. Just sayin’…

* – with the possible exception of Grampa Joe Biden – if you could convince him to run again…

** – although I would prefer to let him sit out there until Hillary gets a bullet proof Senate majority so that she could nominate him for Supreme Court Justice…

Quick Note To President Obama And The Democratic Party

Friday, 1 Priming 2016

You should publicly announce your nominee for the Supreme Court Justice position vacated by that traitorous Republicant shill Antonin “Fat Tony’ Scalia as soon as possible. In fact, you should tweak the Republicant’s noses with it. And tell the american people that you have candidates lined up for nomination if the Republicants deny this one; each more liberal than the last. Then tell them that Clinton and Sanders have both agreed to put your name in for the nomination in 2017 once they are electorated. Just to watch their heads explode.

If I might make a suggestion, perhaps you would consider the former 42nd president of these United States, William Jefferson Clinton, to fill Fat Tony’s seat on the Supreme Court. Just a thought…

Quick Note To The Traitourous Farging Republicant Iceholes Running This Country (Into the Ground)

Thursday, 30 Shivring 2016

It is my sincere wish that one day the Democratic Party does exactly the same thing that you have done to the first African American president, who won both of his elections by a larger margin than anyone since Red Ink Ray-Gun. Declare him illegitimate from day one, obstruct everything and anything that comes from his office, and constantly bring legislation up to dismantle anything he does accomplish.

Republicants have obstructed everything that this president has tried to do and continue to do so at unprecedented levels. There are those of us out in the real world who feel as strongly about unethical illegal Republicant shenanigans as the Republicants do when real people express any sort of objections to his fascist agenda. It would be interesting (although in all probability completely predictable) to watch the Republicants caterwauling about being treated the same way that they treat others. It would be interesting to see the reaction by the american people if liberals started shooting up everything and everyone in sight the way Republicant domestic terrorists have been doing since the moment Obama was legally elected. It would be astounding if the right wing media covered the Republicant campaign of domestic terrorism over the last seven years in an even remotely balanced manner. And it would be supremely appropriate to let all the republicant enablers out there who says that “both parties are the same” see what life would be like if their bullhockey about both parties were actually even somewhere close to reality.


On a related side note, I apologize to the rest of the american people for the blinkered Republicant philistines that are the majority of the rest of my relatives. My mother had no problems with the Illegally Installed Drunken Cokeheaded Deserter (During Wartime) taking away my employment, giving away half of the treasury to his rich friends, putting tax giveaways to the rich in place with a bunch of Republicant lies, ruining the world economy, ruining 5000+ families by sending their best and brightest to be killed in an illegitimate illegal war, and treating anyone who objected to their fascist schemes as a traitor. But she can’t even say Obama’s name because she has been having nightmares that the U.S. might make her pay capital gains taxes on her Canadian property at some unknown unspecified time in the future*. And she’s one of the more rational of my relatives…

* – the property would need to be valued at over two million dollars (it’s not) and she would need not to have a gazillion deductions (she does) or alternate methods to make the property not eligible for this treatment (which she also has). Mind you, the increased cost of renouncing american citizenship (it’s currently $2,350) and the requirement for foreign nationals to file income taxes have not helped the situation any…

Merry Merry and Happy Happy

Friday, 28 Conclusion 2015

Hey, kids! It’s that time of the year once again, where I wade through a metric Cheneyton of holiday dren kimchi collections of atonal pseudo-musical notes occasionally approaching coherence awesome tuneage to provide you with the best (cough) in non-traditional non-superstition based holiday musical montages. As always huge props to the master, DJ Riko for showing me the way – please go over to his site and check out his fine 2015 offering.

Here’s the track list for the 2015 Xmas MegaMixx:

Christmas Jug Band – Somebody Stole My Santa Claus Suit
Meiko – Maybe Next Year
Hugh Jackman wishes you Happy Holidays
Amy Winehouse – I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Voices of Soul – Someday at Christmas
First Aid Kit – Blue Christmas
Rosie Thomas – Why Can’t It Be Christmas All Year Round
Cheech and Chong – Santa Claus and His Old Lady
Garfunkel and Oates – Present Face
Microsoft commercial (unknown artists) – Spread Peace
The NOW Sound of Christmas intro
Margo Gunyan – I Don’t Intend To spend Christmas Without You
Gruff Rhys – Post Apocalypse Christmas
Holly Cole – I’d Like To Hitch a Ride With Santa Claus
The Beach Boys – Christmas Day
Ricardo Montalban, Esther Williams, Red Skelton, and Betty Garrett – Baby It’s Cold Outside
The Fendertones – Little Saint Nick
Cobie Callat -Mistletoe
They Might Be Giants – Santa’s Beard
Office Romance – I Love The Holidays
Johnny Cash wishes you Merry Christmas
Binky Griptite – Stone Soul Christmas
KT Tunstall – Sleigh Ride
Piney Girl – Every Day’s A Holiday
Saturday’s Children – Christmas Sounds
Howard Scott Pearlman – The Santa Clause Rock
Wham! – Last Christmas
the Js with Jamie – Cool Yule

It was interesting to find the original version(s) of Baby, It’s Cold Outside while trying to find versions where the male is being pressured to stay, and find that the original was setup with that gag built in. Also the irony of Ricardo Montalban having to convince Esther Williams to stay while Betty Garrett was having to convince Red Skelton* (!) in a similar fashion suggests to me that previous generations were pretty frelling hip and froody.

If you wish to comment on this post or download this or any of the Mega Mixxes, please email me – the directory is behind the Funny Farm Filings Fence and you will need to get the user name / password from me if you didn’t save it last year.

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* – look up any of those names that might not be familiar to you while getting off my lawn you whippersnappers…

And Now For Something Completely Different…

Fryday, 3 Conclusion 2015

…at least, something different here at the Funny Farm.

You may have notices a certain lack of regularity frequency existence of bloggy goodness coming from this direction over the past six months. The necessities of the current dire straits being experienced by Your Humble Narrator have forced me to abandon my $200 a month UVerse habit* and explore alternative methods of survival. For those of you who might want to try and contact me, for now, if you try and call any number you might have for me, you probably will get a message telling you that the number is no longer in service. You can still email me and I will pick emails up in the infrequent intervals that I will be able to find time and internets access.

I wish I had more to add to this update but I can’t think of anything to say other than can somebody please stop this ride because I don’t think I can take much more of this and I would really like to get off now.

* – quick note to UVerse – when I say I’m having problems trying to pay Comcast/Xfinity $170 a month for the all-in-one (cable, internet, and phone service) bundle that the original deal said was going to be $100, it would be advisable to tell me the truth regarding your replacement for said Comcast/Xfinity bundle. When your salesweasels told me, a year ago, that Uverse would replace my Comcast/Xfinity bundle with their own all-in-one solution for those services, I should have known you were lying from the word go. I am glad that it only took a year’s worth of a service contract to straighten this out. Now I have to scramble to find replacements for the infotainment feed that was streaming into my melon on a constant basis, or re-learn how things were in the before time, when the internets were few and far between…

Still Not Dead Yet…

Fryday, 26 Betteroff 2015

…although not regularly connected to the internets (I have successfully quit a $200 a month habit – I got rid of my infotainments contract with UVerse) any more.

Barely hanging on to the house and my sanity. It would be nice to be able to look forward to the holidays and the new year one of these decades, but the Republicants have pretty much screwed the pooch on those hopes, financially speaking, for the rest of my non-retirement years. I have yet to hear any sort of coherent reasoning behind supporting pResident Chump’s attempt to buy the White House in 2016*. And the rest of the Republicant clown car looks even worse. Of course they now have some scary Mooslimoid boogeymen to go along with the hundreds of millions (cough) of scary Mexicans illegally streaming into the land of the free and the home of the brave every day while Obama waves them in. But I digress…

Trying to piece together this year’s Xmas Mega Mixx, so feel free to email any suggestions this way. Also too any lovely lose piles of excess currency you might have lying around the house. Have a good turkey day and hope to be back soon…

* – Fearless Funny Farm Prediction: If Chump wins and becomes pResident, he will become a trillionaire but millions will lose their Social Security and Medicare benefits, their houses, and all their worldly posessions. Also too: four words that should strike fear in any sane human – Drug Czar Ted Nugent.

Wish Sandwiches and Ricochet Biscuits That Don’t Bounce Back

Humpday, 9 Reckning 2015

Things keep getting bleaker here at the Funny Farm. The bills are getting paid to date; but that might be coming to an end soon – unless I can eliminate enough of them to make the E2E ratio* slightly closer to being manageable. Still no sight of land gainful employment. No nice clanky bits of loose change, delicate fivers thrust deep into bulging wallets, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets, apologetic foreign money rolling against the thigh with ever diminishing familiarity…

Sorry. But I need money. Any money. I haven’t found any generous benefactors willing to toss big bags of bills towards either The Midling Calendar or The Church of The Afternoon Nap even though I feel the church’s message is much more meaningful and relevant than anything coming from the vacuous melon of the Hucksterbee, the Frothy Mix, Caribou Barbie, or the Girl With The Faraway Eyes, especially as it relates to not getting knickers in a twist over cats and dogs living together in what they consider to be sinful in the eyes of their Invisible Sky Fairy. Which, once again according to my religious beliefs, should be of absolutely no concern of mine or anyone else besides their own damn selves. Plus also too: what these individuals believe or do not believe should have absolutely no effect on the laws and regulations that are the law of the land, and I should not be required to waste one iota of consideration of their beliefs in order to function in society.

Unfortunately, I can see no solution to the ongoing situational issues that I will have to deal with for the forseeable future. Hopefully things will change for the better one of these days. And, if you are interested in trying to help please feel free to email me and let me know how you would be interested in helping me find a way to survive until such time as I can solve the money problem.

Hoping you’re having a bit of a better time of it…

*E2E = Earnings to Effort. Maximizing the E2E ratio is key to maintaining a semblance of sanity and minimizing the stress involved in survival for Your Humble Narrator.

Another Sign Of The Apocalypse

Tuesday, 10 Goodenuf 2015

Rob Ford (yes, that Rob Ford) has been appointed to the Hockey Hall of Fame’s Board of Directors*. By actual human beings. On purpose**.

While I am relatively sure that, even with creative interpretation that stretches the very concept of prophecy, there has been no mention of this in any of the various Great Big Books Of Religious Fairy Tales, I’m thinking that this predilection was so far out of the bounds of reality that even the framers of the various denominations couldn’t figure out a way to shoehorn something that far out there into their fables.

And, IMHO, as far as all this nonsense in concerned, it doesn’t matter whether Ford was put on the Board or he was hired to be the night watchman at the Hall of Fame, or, for that matter, any position that involves the NHL providing any sort of compensation whatsoever to Mr. Ford. It was an immediate source of ridicule and poor judgement of the parties involved for the talking heads dog and pony show experts on television

* – or he’s been electorated to the Hockey Hall of Fame Board of Directors. Either way, actual humans were involved and had to sign off on this decision…

** – as far as I know. I mean, this appointment wasn’t made or announced on the First of April, or anything like that…

Quick Note To Memories Pizza in Catholictown Wullerton (SPIT!) Walkerton, Indiana

Friday, 6 Goodenuf 2015

I used to be a deejay and have performed at over 300 weddings over the course of fifteen years. Based on my experience, it is my opinion that your “religious” ideals would never be challenged, and need the protection of, the ridiculous waste of time, energy, and taxpayer dollars that is Indiana’s Religious Freedom Restoration Bill.

I have never heard of any kind of wedding that served pizza to the guests, nor have I ever been a deejay at one. So, not only would I question your superstitious beliefs about any sort of Imaginary Sky Fairy and any kind of Big Book of Catholic Fairy Tales just about as strongly as your belief that anyone would order pizza from your (cough) restaurant at a wedding, I am kinda wondering if you will be around in a few years, and, if so, how many gay wedddings you have had to turn away in that time. In fact, let the studio audience know how many gay couples you have managed to seat in your establishment – or even how many gays that ordered anything from you in the interim – so we can all see how very important it was to spend taxpayer monies and elected officials’ time and efforts in order to pass this crucial legislation without which your business would be unable to survive.

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