And Now For Something Completely Different…

Fryday, 3 Conclusion 2015

…at least, something different here at the Funny Farm.

You may have notices a certain lack of regularity frequency existence of bloggy goodness coming from this direction over the past six months. The necessities of the current dire straits being experienced by Your Humble Narrator have forced me to abandon my $200 a month UVerse habit* and explore alternative methods of survival. For those of you who might want to try and contact me, for now, if you try and call any number you might have for me, you probably will get a message telling you that the number is no longer in service. You can still email me and I will pick emails up in the infrequent intervals that I will be able to find time and internets access.

I wish I had more to add to this update but I can’t think of anything to say other than can somebody please stop this ride because I don’t think I can take much more of this and I would really like to get off now.

* – quick note to UVerse – when I say I’m having problems trying to pay Comcast/Xfinity $170 a month for the all-in-one (cable, internet, and phone service) bundle that the original deal said was going to be $100, it would be advisable to tell me the truth regarding your replacement for said Comcast/Xfinity bundle. When your salesweasels told me, a year ago, that Uverse would replace my Comcast/Xfinity bundle with their own all-in-one solution for those services, I should have known you were lying from the word go. I am glad that it only took a year’s worth of a service contract to straighten this out. Now I have to scramble to find replacements for the infotainment feed that was streaming into my melon on a constant basis, or re-learn how things were in the before time, when the internets were few and far between…

Still Not Dead Yet…

Fryday, 26 Betteroff 2015

…although not regularly connected to the internets (I have successfully quit a $200 a month habit – I got rid of my infotainments contract with UVerse) any more.

Barely hanging on to the house and my sanity. It would be nice to be able to look forward to the holidays and the new year one of these decades, but the Republicants have pretty much screwed the pooch on those hopes, financially speaking, for the rest of my non-retirement years. I have yet to hear any sort of coherent reasoning behind supporting pResident Chump’s attempt to buy the White House in 2016*. And the rest of the Republicant clown car looks even worse. Of course they now have some scary Mooslimoid boogeymen to go along with the hundreds of millions (cough) of scary Mexicans illegally streaming into the land of the free and the home of the brave every day while Obama waves them in. But I digress…

Trying to piece together this year’s Xmas Mega Mixx, so feel free to email any suggestions this way. Also too any lovely lose piles of excess currency you might have lying around the house. Have a good turkey day and hope to be back soon…

* – Fearless Funny Farm Prediction: If Chump wins and becomes pResident, he will become a trillionaire but millions will lose their Social Security and Medicare benefits, their houses, and all their worldly posessions. Also too: four words that should strike fear in any sane human – Drug Czar Ted Nugent.

Wish Sandwiches and Ricochet Biscuits That Don’t Bounce Back

Humpday, 9 Reckning 2015

Things keep getting bleaker here at the Funny Farm. The bills are getting paid to date; but that might be coming to an end soon – unless I can eliminate enough of them to make the E2E ratio* slightly closer to being manageable. Still no sight of land gainful employment. No nice clanky bits of loose change, delicate fivers thrust deep into bulging wallets, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets, apologetic foreign money rolling against the thigh with ever diminishing familiarity…

Sorry. But I need money. Any money. I haven’t found any generous benefactors willing to toss big bags of bills towards either The Midling Calendar or The Church of The Afternoon Nap even though I feel the church’s message is much more meaningful and relevant than anything coming from the vacuous melon of the Hucksterbee, the Frothy Mix, Caribou Barbie, or the Girl With The Faraway Eyes, especially as it relates to not getting knickers in a twist over cats and dogs living together in what they consider to be sinful in the eyes of their Invisible Sky Fairy. Which, once again according to my religious beliefs, should be of absolutely no concern of mine or anyone else besides their own damn selves. Plus also too: what these individuals believe or do not believe should have absolutely no effect on the laws and regulations that are the law of the land, and I should not be required to waste one iota of consideration of their beliefs in order to function in society.

Unfortunately, I can see no solution to the ongoing situational issues that I will have to deal with for the forseeable future. Hopefully things will change for the better one of these days. And, if you are interested in trying to help please feel free to email me and let me know how you would be interested in helping me find a way to survive until such time as I can solve the money problem.

Hoping you’re having a bit of a better time of it…

*E2E = Earnings to Effort. Maximizing the E2E ratio is key to maintaining a semblance of sanity and minimizing the stress involved in survival for Your Humble Narrator.

Another Sign Of The Apocalypse

Tuesday, 10 Goodenuf 2015

Rob Ford (yes, that Rob Ford) has been appointed to the Hockey Hall of Fame’s Board of Directors*. By actual human beings. On purpose**.

While I am relatively sure that, even with creative interpretation that stretches the very concept of prophecy, there has been no mention of this in any of the various Great Big Books Of Religious Fairy Tales, I’m thinking that this predilection was so far out of the bounds of reality that even the framers of the various denominations couldn’t figure out a way to shoehorn something that far out there into their fables.

And, IMHO, as far as all this nonsense in concerned, it doesn’t matter whether Ford was put on the Board or he was hired to be the night watchman at the Hall of Fame, or, for that matter, any position that involves the NHL providing any sort of compensation whatsoever to Mr. Ford. It was an immediate source of ridicule and poor judgement of the parties involved for the talking heads dog and pony show experts on television

* – or he’s been electorated to the Hockey Hall of Fame Board of Directors. Either way, actual humans were involved and had to sign off on this decision…

** – as far as I know. I mean, this appointment wasn’t made or announced on the First of April, or anything like that…

Quick Note To Memories Pizza in Catholictown Wullerton (SPIT!) Walkerton, Indiana

Friday, 6 Goodenuf 2015

I used to be a deejay and have performed at over 300 weddings over the course of fifteen years. Based on my experience, it is my opinion that your “religious” ideals would never be challenged, and need the protection of, the ridiculous waste of time, energy, and taxpayer dollars that is Indiana’s Religious Freedom Restoration Bill.

I have never heard of any kind of wedding that served pizza to the guests, nor have I ever been a deejay at one. So, not only would I question your superstitious beliefs about any sort of Imaginary Sky Fairy and any kind of Big Book of Catholic Fairy Tales just about as strongly as your belief that anyone would order pizza from your (cough) restaurant at a wedding, I am kinda wondering if you will be around in a few years, and, if so, how many gay wedddings you have had to turn away in that time. In fact, let the studio audience know how many gay couples you have managed to seat in your establishment – or even how many gays that ordered anything from you in the interim – so we can all see how very important it was to spend taxpayer monies and elected officials’ time and efforts in order to pass this crucial legislation without which your business would be unable to survive.

Share and Enjoy!

Time Is Running Out

Humpday, 6 Priming 2015

Lately I have been reading a series of fan fiction essays that are a slightly different take on the magical world of Hogwarts called Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality. It’s based on a couple of tweaks to the Harry Potter origin story, and takes a logical path through the world of magic as much as possible. There have been one hundred and twenty chapters mentioned, but as of this writing there are one hundred and thirteen completed and posted to the internets, and apparently there might only be one very short chapter if things don’t work out by midnight tonight (Pacific Standard Time):

This is your final exam.

You have 60 hours.

Your solution must at least allow Harry to evade immediate death, despite being naked, holding only his wand, facing 36 Death Eaters plus the fully resurrected Lord Voldemort.

If a viable solution is posted before *12:01AM Pacific Time* (8:01AM UTC) on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015, the story will continue to Ch. 121.

Otherwise you will get a shorter and sadder ending.

Keep in mind the following:

1. Harry must succeed via his own efforts. The cavalry is not coming. Everyone who might want to help Harry thinks he is at a Quidditch game.

2. Harry may only use capabilities the story has already shown him to have; he cannot develop wordless wandless Legilimency in the next 60 seconds.

3. Voldemort is evil and cannot be persuaded to be good; the Dark Lord’s utility function cannot be changed by talking to him.

4. If Harry raises his wand or speaks in anything except Parseltongue, the Death Eaters will fire on him immediately.

5. If the simplest timeline is otherwise one where Harry dies – if Harry cannot reach his Time-Turner without Time-Turned help – then the Time-Turner will not come into play.

6. It is impossible to tell lies in Parseltongue.

Within these constraints, Harry is allowed to attain his full potential as a rationalist, now in this moment or never, regardless of his previous flaws.

Of course ‘the rational solution’, if you are using the word ‘rational’ correctly, is just a needlessly fancy way of saying ‘the best solution’ or ‘the solution I like’ or ‘the solution I think we should use’, and you should usually say one of the latter instead. (We only need the word ‘rational’ to talk about ways of thinking, considered apart from any particular solutions.)

And by Vinge’s Principle, if you know exactly what a smart mind would do, you must be at least that smart yourself. Asking someone “What would an optimal player think is the best move?” should produce answers no better than “What do you think is best?”

So what I mean in practice, when I say Harry is allowed to attain his full potential as a rationalist, is that Harry is allowed to solve this problem the way YOU would solve it. If you can tell me exactly how to do something, Harry is allowed to think of it.

But it does not serve as a solution to say, for example, “Harry should persuade Voldemort to let him out of the box” if you can’t yourself figure out how.

The rules on Fanfiction dot Net allow at most one review per chapter. Please submit *ONLY ONE* review of Ch. 113, to submit one suggested solution.

For the best experience, if you have not already been following Internet conversations about recent chapters, I suggest not doing so, trying to complete this exam on your own, not looking at other reviews, and waiting for Ch. 114 to see how you did.

I wish you all the best of luck, or rather the best of skill.

Ch. 114 will post at 10AM Pacific (6PM UTC) on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015.


If you have pending exams, then even though the bystander effect is a thing, I expect that the collective effect of ‘everyone with more urgent life issues stays out of the effort’ shifts the probabilities very little (because diminishing marginal returns on more eyes and an already-huge population that is participating).

So if you can’t take the time, then please don’t. Like any author, I enjoy the delicious taste of my readers’ suffering, finer than any chocolate; but I don’t want to *hurt* you.

Likewise, if you hate hate hate this sort of thing, then don’t participate! Other people ARE enjoying it. Just come back in a few days. I shouldn’t even need to point this out.

I remind you again that you have hours to think. Use the Hold Off On Proposing Solutions, Luke.

And really truly, I do mean it, Harry cannot develop any new magical powers or transcend previously stated constraints on them in the next sixty seconds.

I don’t really want to give out any spoilers, but Harry is just about to be disposed of by the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters and he has nothing but his wand. And the author wants to see if you can figure out a way for Harry to get out of the mess he is currently in.

I have absolutely no clue where this is going to go. I’m just glad to have been on the ride so far. I sincerely hope that we get to see all of the rest of the story, whether or not someone in the studio audience is tuned in to the author’s methods of rationality sufficiently to suss out the answer that has been set up within the story as the best way forward. Time will tell.

Share and Enjoy!

Why I Will Never Become The Attorney General Of The United States

Fryday, 4 Shivring 2015

…explained in one simple question and answer:

Senator John Cornyn, (R-eligiously Insane): You’re not Eric Holder, are you?

Your Humble Narrator: You seriously can’t tell us apart? I had heard that some white folk can’t tell one darkie from another, but I was unaware that any of those people were currently members of the United States Senate.

Aaaaaand – confirmation denied!

Also, too: Yes, this was an actual question that was repeatedly asked by Republicant douchewads to the current nominee for the position of Attorney General of the United States.

Not Dead Yet…

Tuesday, 30 Premise 2015

…just really depressed by life, the universe, and everything these days. The holidays were less fun this year, featuring a family who seems to be ostracizing me over a bunch of reich wing propaganda from the Great Satan to the North, some friends who don’t want to deal with me in person any more, increased reliance on survival as opposed to living, doctor’s staff that thinks they can make medical decisions for me and can’t perform at even a competent, much less satisfactory, level, no job prospects for the rest of my life, and a bunch of other unrelated (to me) reich wing psychos who are trying to turn this country into what it once was – an arctic region covered in ice.

So – things could be better.

In the meantime, I’d like to go back to my blogging roots by parodying a reich wing press release:



Contact: Funny Farmer, The Funny Farm

Tuesday, 30 Premise, 2015

Scalia and Thomas: Recuse Yourselves!

The Funny Farm Says Supreme Court Justices Should Step Down on SCOTUS Marriage Cases

The Internets—The issue of same-sex marriage in America has divided the country this past year, with state, district and federal courts issuing ruling after ruling.

In light of the U.S. Supreme Court’s announcement that it will hear the issue, The Funny Farm ( says Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas should recuse themselves from making any marriage decisions because Thomas has conducted marriage ceremonies. And Scalia has made various religiously insane homophobic remarks while on the Spureme Court.

“All of these justices’ personal and private actions that actively endorse marriage clearly indicate how they would vote on same-sex marriage cases before the Supreme Court,” parodied The Funny Farm. “Congress has directed that federal judicial officers must disqualify themselves from hearing cases in specified circumstances. Scalia and Thomas have not only been opposed to same-sex marriage but they have also proven themselves to be activists on the subject. In order to ensure the Court’s integrity and impartiality, both should recuse themselves from same-sex marriage cases. Congress has an obligation to Americans to see that members of the Supreme Court are held to the highest standards of integrity. The law demands it, and the people deserve it.”

The Funny Farm is producing this parody of an actual press release from actual grown adults, asking all to write a letter to their members of Congress, urging them to remind members of the nation’s highest court of their charge to maintain impartiality. Title 28, Part I, Chapter 21, Section 455 of the U.S. Code titled “Disqualification of justice, judge, or magistrate judge,” states that “Any justice, judge, or magistrate judge of the United States shall disqualify himself in any proceeding in which his impartiality might reasonably be questioned.”

Thomas performed a May 27, 1994 marriage ceremony for lying sack of kimchi Rush Limbaugh and his third trophy wife (now divorced after the marriage contract period has completed) in Virginia. And Scalia has compared homosexuality to bestiality and pedophilia in published Supreme Court opinions.

Scalia has never considered any of his prejudices as being sufficient to recuse himself for any case before the Supreme Court to date. His well known religiously insane rants have been a staple of the court for years now.

The Funny Farm suggests in this Action Alert that concerned Americans write a letter to their members of Congress urging them to call on Justices Scalia and Thomas to recuse themselves from any same-sex marriage cases, as their previous actions in performing opposite-sex ceremonies, and their previous Supreme Court opinions involving homosexuality raise more than a reasonable doubt regarding their impartiality on this issue.


I would like to point out that the original press release demands that Kagan and Ginsburg recuse themselves because they officiated at same sex wedding ceremonies, but surprisingly does not mention that these justices have also presided at opposite sex marriages, and do not think that they should be recused from any same sex marriage cases because their officiating at opposite sex marriage ceremonies does not prejudice them against same sex marriage. Funny how that works…

There have also been other Supremes who have officiated at wedding ceremonies, by the way. I originally included Scalito in the bunch who should be recused, but there is so little about him online that I could not find any examples to hammer him with.

Share and Enjoy!

Merry Frelling Kringle

Humpday, 28 Conclusion 2014

I am very happy to announce the completion of this year’s foray into the realm of Xmas cheer: the 2014 Xmas MegaMixx:

The Mighty Mighty Bosstones-This Time of Year
Booker T and the MGs-Jingle Bells
The Brian Setzer Orchestra-Hey Santa!
Big Bad Voodoo Daddy-Zat You, Santa Claus?
Reckless Sleepers-Every Day Will Be Like a Holiday
Darlene Love and the David Letterman Band-Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) supermix
Holly Conlan-I’ll Be Home For Christmas
Jose Feliciano-Feliz Navidad
One-Eyed Jacks-Merry Little Christmas To You Too
Lenka-All My Bells Are Ringing
The Cat and The Fiddle-Hep Cats Holiday
Timbuk3-All I Want For Christmas
The Plastic Ono Band-Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
The Yeah Yeah Yeahs-All I want For Christmas
Mariah Carey and The Roots-All I Want For Christmas
The Jooles-Feels Like Christmas
Willie Nelson and Stephen Colbert-Little Dealer Boy
Band of Merrymakers-Must Be Christmas
Slow Club-Christmas TV
Wye Oak-Christmas Will Be Just Another Lonely Day
The Nadas-Here Comes Christmas

Also, for good measure, here’s some links to the remixed and remastered Xmas MegaMixxes of years gone by:

2013 Xmas MegaMixx

New Found Glory-Nothing For Christmas
Matt Wertz-Snow Globe
Brighten ft the Maine-Merry Christmas Baby
Clapton Crow All Stars-Merry Christmas Baby
Donny Hathaway-This Christmas
NOFX-Xmas Has Been X’ed
Train-Shake Up Christmas
Thorso All Stars-The Final Christmas Song
The Ramones-Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Anymore)
Weird Al Yankovic-Christmas At Ground Zero
Relient K-The 12 Days of Christmas
The Wombats-Is This Christmas?
Sufjan Stevens-Christmas In The Room
Kenny Vance and the Planotones-Mr. Santa
Dorothy Collins-Mr. Santa
JD McPherson-Twinkle
Trey Songz and Flo Rida-Jingle Bells
Mayer Hawthorne-Christmas Time Is Here
Jonathan Coulton and John Roderick-Uncle John
You, Me, and Everyone We Know-We’ve Got Diggin’ Out To Do
The Rescues-Everything’s Gonna Be Better Next Year
Kristin Chenoweth-The Christmas Waltz

2011 Xmas MegaMixx

Ella Fitzgerald – Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Weezer – We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Perry Como – Home For The Holidays
Devo – Merry Something To You
Barenaked Ladies – Hanukkah Oh Hanukkah
Liz Phair – Winter Wonderland
Jane Siberry – Hockey (censored version)
Mary J. Blige – Christmas In The City
Tom Robinson – Truce
Honky Tonk Confidential – Christmas Prison
Billy Paul Williams Orchestra – Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
No Doubt – Oi To The World
Santa’s Got a Brand New Bag (intro) – Gary Walker
Linus & Lucy – Vince Guaraldi Trio
Louis Armstrong – Christmas In New Orleans
Shelly Adams – Snow, Snow, and Mistletoe
Louis Prima – What Will Santa Claus Say?
Blue Mountain Boys – Santabilly Boogie
Billy Ray – Christmas Mambo
Stompin Tom Connors – Merry Christmas Everybody
Lenny & Squiggy – The Jolliest Fat Man
Xmas Jug Band – S A N T A
Lionel Hampton – Boogie Woogie Santa Claus
Surrogate – Rockin Around The Christmas Tree
Dance Hall Crashers – I Did It For The Toys
Swingle Sisters – Xmas Medley

2010 Xmas MegaMixx

Snoop Dogg-Xmas Into
Robert Earl Keen-Merry Christmas From the Family
Cyndi Lauper-Feels Like Christmas
Eels-Everything’s Gonna Be Cool This Christmas
Grandaddy-Alan Parsons In A Winter Wonderland
Kooky Barnes-Yulesville
Paul Simon-Getting Ready For Christmas Day
Dread Zeppelin-All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
The Kinks -Father Christmas
Guster-Donde Esta Santa Claus
The Fall-Jingle Bell Rock
Bob Dylan-Must Be Santa
XTC-Thanks For Christmas
Kate Bush-December Will Be Magic Again
Yellowman-We Wish You A Reggae Christmas
Ingo Star Cruiser-Just Like Christmas
Jet-Back Door Santa
Louis Cate-Mistletoin’
Waitresses-Christmas Rapping danse mixx
Bob & Doug McKenzie-The Twelve Days Of Christmas
Les Paul featuring Kathy Parrott-Santa Baby
Electric Jungle-Funky Funky Christmas
Hawk Nelson-The Chipmunk Song

Update: I have updated the 2011 Mega Mixx track list based on some corrections long overdue. I have also had to password protect the directory containing the mp3s due to hacktastic hackers wanting to frell with my freely available holiday cheer. So youse can email me and ask for the user name and password to get to the tunes.